Taking it’s toll
Life is taking it’s toll.
I didn’t want to admit it. But being unemployed, moving from full time ministry to nothing, watching my wife take on a leadership role (which is awesome BTW), winter arriving, all seems to be affecting me a lot more than I want to admit. Change is not easy. Role reversal is not easy.
I know I have been getting anxious about my future, and I’ve been trying to call out to God, to seek Him, to read the Word. But I’m a guy, and I like action, I need to physically do something. So sometimes it’s hard, and sometimes it’s easy. It was easier a day ago, when I got an unexpected email from someone I deeply respect. I had been praying alot that day for direction, job, future, maybe more than previous, and I feel God used him to tell me to keep waiting, keep trusting, because God. is. in. control. AMEN.
Strangely, I’ve found mundane tasks have a relaxing effect. Dishes, laundry, preparing for quests, and yes, making coffees, all seem to be something that helps. Relaxes, takes my mind off things. Maybe that gift of hospitality, and service is higher than I thought, but I guess that’s another post for another day.
I also must admit that lately I’ve felt alone. I don’t know why I needed to say that. But I do. Oh my wife and kids are awesome and I love them so much. I’ve got to hear my daughter pray for daddy’s job which has been great, and my wife has been supportive throughout this whole journey I’m on. I dunno, maybe it’s just the fact that I’m not in an office working with adults, or maybe I need to be more open and transparent with others. I mean, 3 nights a week I’m serving or in community with some amazing brothers and sisters in Christ, why on earth should I feel alone, right? Anyone else understand? I know that in my life I’ve always struggled with this, being closed off and not open with others quickly. Heck, it’s probably one reason I worked with the same person for so long, I didn’t want to leave that comfort. Hmm, I guess God wanted to break that trend and force me.
Last night I couldn’t sleep. And not just the insomnia-i-can’t-fall-asleep-thing like usual. I mean I was awake. And it was eery in our house. So quiet. And I couldn’t shake it. Showering at 3am seemed to help. I think maybe I’m in the midst of a metamorphosis, like how my child eats tons of food during a growth spurt, so I must need more awake times. And this change is of soul, and of mind. I’m excited and terrified.
Matthew 28:20 …And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.